Saturday, January 26, 2013

so. much. better.

I started another blog.  It'll be different - yeah!  I miss the old xanga days where I talked about everything under the sun.  I still want to process through the divorce here, but sometimes I have other things to say.  Shocking, I know. 

Honestly, I think this is progress for me.  Four years of my life has been about the divorce.  I'm so thankful for some of the things that I've learned.  And, I'm still learning.  The truth is, there are about 15 blog posts stored as drafts to this blog.  Things I'm wanting people to know but I'm not sure I'm ready to say outloud or if I ever should.  Like why I hate Bob Marley with a passion that is equally unreasonable and ridiculous.

But, life has gone on.  I remember Ricky telling me over and over, "your best days are ahead."  I didn't believe him.  Life was over because my marriage was over and I would be alone.  Life was over because every day I ached at the pain I couldn't heal in my kids' hearts.  Life was over because precious friendships were forever altered.

Well, so I'm going to be processing the whole single thing for a while, I think.  And even though every few months someone offers to set me up or pay for an subscription :-), I suspect that God has more for me to learn right where I am.  My kids do struggle and groan as they deal with Jesus.  But Jesus loves them, far more than I am capable and he will not leave them alone.  He will pursue them.   And friendships need work and grace and go through transitions.  People get married, have babies (woo-hoo!) and life and love are redeemed and we adjust.  It's a beautiful thing.

Nothing is as it was, but much of it is so. much. better. 

I'll still write stuff here.  My understanding is that there are a few people I haven't met who actually read this.    This is humbling and encouraging.  I wish I had written more and that what I have to say wasn't so weird.  I really do want to help you if I can.

Friday, January 4, 2013

its just me

A few weeks ago I went to Amanda and Dan's wedding and ran into someone who absolutely should have remembered me.  But he didn't.  I could tell when he saw me that I wasn't registering in his brain.  So when it came time for introductions to be made, I thought he would catch up.  He didn't.  Even when I said my name I could see he didn't have a clue because he said, "So, how do you fit into this wedding picture?" 

How delightful and strange to be just me.  In that potentially awkward moment when all the ugly past could have invaded the happiness, it turned out to be nothing.  My identity is... myself.  I'm someone who happened to be around when Amanda came into our little world and I just love her.   I'm a guest at the wedding.  That's who I am in this moment.

It's just me.